We live in a fast-paced culture.
When that means I can get my coffee order in 2.5 minutes in the drive thru or my swimsuit shipped to my door in 2 days, I'm a huge fan. Our society's focus on productivity has brought some amazing things to the market, and our medicines and technology have revolutionized the world.
But looking at our culture, I know we aren't perfect. One area of society hurt by our culture's increased focused on productivity is the process of grieving. Americans just aren't taking the necessary time to process loss.
When it comes to sadness or grieving, we're told:
Push it down
Shove it aside
Move on
Fake it till you make it
Men don't cry
Author Rob Bell refers to this phenomenon as "denial culture."
As a culture, we have truly lost touch with how to cope with loss. We have very little concept of how to stop and truly process grief.
In dealing with loss recently, I looked into the Jewish bereavement process, one starkly different than the American culture with which I am familiar. I researched with my good friend Google, and my great friend Zachary Zupan, a Netzari Jew.
In Jewish tradition, the bereavement process had several steps.
This means, " Blessed are You, Lord, our God, King of the universe, the Judge of Truth."
They would also rend their clothing upon hearing the news, tearing their shirt to show an outside picture of an inward brokenness.
After the body is prepared for burial, it is placed directly into the earth. In Israel, the funeral does not include open caskets, or really even caskets at all. The body is taken directly to the grave.
The first stage of bereavement is called aninut. It means "intense mourning." This lasts from the death of the loved one until the end of the funeral. The name reflects the feeling of shock and disorientation associated with losing a family member. While in this stage, mourners are allowed to grieve openly, and shirk other responsibilities such as work or school. They are given time to dedicate solely to this bereavement process.
The next stage, avelut, begins immediately after leaving the funeral. It is broken into distinct parts. During this time, the family does not go to concerts or listen to music, and generally avoids joyous parties such as weddings or bar Mitzvahs.
For seven days, the family is in velut. They remain in their home, eat plain food, sit close to the ground, and refrain from showering or wearing jewelry. They also put away or cover mirrors to emphasize their avoidance of personal appearance. Friends and extended family will come to visit the mourners, but must wait for the family to initiate conversation. Sometimes they just sit in silence.
The second stage of avelut is shloshim. For the remainder of the next 30 days, the men of the family will still refrain from haircut or beard trimmings. They also study the Torah in the name of the deceased. The family will also avoid weddings and certain other religious feasts.
Shneim asar chodesh, the third stage, applies only to mourners who have lost a parent. Festivities with live music are still avoided.
Even years after death, observers of the Jewish tradition still regularly rend clothing and light candles to commemorate the deaths of loved ones.
I really enjoyed studying this culture and their traditions. What a stark contrast to our culture in America.
Here is what I learned from Jewish wisdom, and how I think we can apply it to our bereavement process today:
1. Experience grief intentionally
Upon reading about Jewish bereavement process, I was touched by the initial process of grief where family members are allowed to express their agony unapologetically. We should encourage those experiencing loss to express their emotions without fear of judgement and pressure from society to conform. Our emotions are what make us human. We should be free to express those.
2. Experience grief intentionally
The lengthy bereavement process encourages mourners to process their grief in a much more intentional way. Their society is set up to accommodate this process, and family members are given the space and time they need. In Jewish culture, family members who have lost a child are not expected to return to work before they have had abundant time with family and loved ones. We should intentionally set aside time to begin the healing process before returning to our normal activities.
3. Experience grief together
I think the most impactful part for me when reading about this was "sitting shiva." Not only do I appreciate the emphasis on the family unit coming together for this, I appreciate the way friends and loved ones make "shiva calls" to sit with the mourning family. My friend Zachary told me, "Often it is very silent. The important aspect of consolation is your presence. Your presence is all that is expected of you." For someone that struggles comforting my loved ones who are experiencing loss, this is meaningful.
4. Understand that grief doesn't have an expiration date
Finally, I appreciate the Jewish tradition of continually remembering the dead on anniversaries and special days. The lighting of candles and rending of clothes reminds us that grief may never truly leave us. It is okay to express sorrow outside of the "12-month" designated period.
I'll close with a comment from my friend Zachary.
"Much of American grieving recommends distractions, either pleasurable or professional, to cope with the inherent pain of loss. This focus on avoiding the pain in turn puts pressure on the bereaved’s loved ones to solve it, as though the right words or actions could erase a deep fracture. The Jewish mourning process is one that recognizes the irreplaceable value of human life, and encourages solace to be found in two great gifts from Adonai: simple, pure human companionship, and the Torah given to His people. Neither of these gifts will ever be extinguished from the earth."
Sources: Zachary Zupan and Bereavement in Judaism.
