Modesty.
The word conjures different images for almost anyone. Some think of the Amish lifestyle of simplicity, some think of the horrendous culottes our churches pressured us into buying (IFB girls, wya?) and others recall the evangelical battle cry of the early 2000's-- "modest is hottest!"
If you're a recovering fundamentalist like me, you've probably white-knuckled your way through a lot of harmful teachings on this concept, and for that, I commend you. I'm currently in the process of reclaiming the word and reconciling it with the views I'm developing today about gender, shame, and God.
One of the biggest questions facing me as I study this area in scripture and how it can be applied to life is one I can't really answer for myself yet:
How can I teach my daughter about modesty while protecting her from the legalism I experienced?
For this question, I went to my friend Amber Fisher.
Amber grew up in a similarly conservative culture. As a mom, she's a step or two ahead of me in life, and I always love listening to what she has to say.
Amber and her high school sweetheart Chase have been married for 14 years. He serves as a pastor at their church, and they have three awesome kids. Amber just finished up a degree in human services, and is looking to get involved in that field soon. She's passionate about family time, coffee, helping others discover freedom in Christ, and empowering parents to raise bold warriors for the kingdom of God.
Advice on Modesty from Amber Fisher
If you’re teaching your daughter about modesty and it includes any mention of the thoughts of boys or men around her-- you’re doing it wrong. Teach your daughter that modesty is something to be chosen out of a desire to honor God, out of respect for ourselves, and out of a desire to be appropriate for the environment we are in.
If you grew up in a conservative Christian environment, your idea of modesty was likely built around following a dress code. You are probably familiar with the concept of kneeling to check skirt length and holding three fingers below your collarbone to check your neckline. You probably know all the places to find denim skirts. Bonus points if you’ve figured out how to successfully maneuver all manner of games and sports while wearing said skirt.
If you’re from a “liberal” family, you wore pants, but never to church, and you would never dream of dying your hair an unnatural color or getting a tattoo.
This is what modesty looks like. This is how we honored God.
Unfortunately, in all our efforts, however honorable our intent may have been, we missed the mark. We took something that was meant to be an individual, personal choice as an act of obedience and service to a Holy Creator, and we made it a checklist to accomplish, a list of rules to follow. Human nature is so very good at this. And, in some ways, it works. By creating detailed dress codes, we simplify a complicated idea.
We create an environment where nobody has to discern what is right or wrong. They just follow the provided list, and can rest easy-knowing that they are “doing what is right”…except it isn’t that simple.
Over and over again, Jesus told us that God is concerned with the heart. Honoring God is so much more than following a dress code. And what’s more -- raising our daughters requires so much more of us than teaching them to follow rules.
Teach your daughter to know her worth as a woman of Christ. Teach her to cherish that worth and to represent it with all of her choices, clothes included.
Teach her to respect herself for her skills, compassion, and intelligence rather than for her appearance.
Beauty is part of the very nature of womanhood and should be celebrated. But it is only a small part of who God made us to be.
Teach her to know that God made her beautiful, of course. But make sure she knows that her beauty is only one small part of the person that God designed her to be. Teach her to recognize the value of others-regardless of their appearance.
Teach her to be sensitive to and respectful of the places she goes.
This spring, my son came home from school frustrated about something said at an assembly. He said the dress code was being discussed, and a rule was stated as necessary “to keep the girls from distracting the boys.”
Ironically, he was annoyed at the assumption that his distraction was due to a girl, not the “mind-numbingly boring” subject matter discussed in class. But this statement is illustrative of the broken way we present these ideas to young people.
There are two major flaws in this idea. The first is that this thinking removes the idea of appropriateness and sensitivity. Like it or not, there are certain places for which certain types of clothing are just not appropriate. Students should dress with responsibility and respect for school. Pajamas, swimsuits, revealing tops, extremely short shorts, etc. are simply not acceptable, because they are not school clothes. Most workplaces have a dress code, as do some places of business and even restaurants. It is culturally determined, of course. But most people have a general sense of what is appropriate to wear to certain places. This should start in school with a simple statement that “those things are not appropriate for school.”
The second major flaw in that teaching is that it removes responsibility from boys for their own thoughts. This particular assembly happened in a public school. But the idea that dress codes are designed to protect boys is pervasive in church culture as well, and is part of the teaching about modesty that we get horribly, horribly wrong.
It is not the job of any woman to maintain the purity of the thoughts of men around her.
Read that last sentence again, just to be sure you got it.
When my son told me about his assembly, I sat him down and said, “Wait. We need to talk about that.” I told him that he has no business gawking at girls, no matter how they are dressed. I told him that he is at school to learn, and that his job and primary focus is to be on schoolwork. I told him that one day, he will love and marry a girl that he will believe is the most beautiful creation on the planet; and when that day comes-he can ogle her all he wants. But until he meets her he has no right to stare at, or dwell on, or allow his minder to wander imagining, any woman. She is not his to think that way about. Choose to think about something else.
Second Corinthians 10:5 makes it very clear that controlling our thoughts is not only possible, but commanded. He does not have the luxury of allowing his mind to wander, and then blaming it on what a girl was wearing. She may or may not be dressed appropriately. But that has nothing to do with his ability to honor God for himself.
One day, when your daughter is mature enough to understand the ugly parts of the world we live in, a conversation about the temptations that men face will have to happen. It will help her understand what her husband and other brothers in Christ face on a daily basis. It will allow her to pray for them and support them in ways that are healthy. But it should not place a weight of bondage and responsibility on her that is not hers to bear.
Equating modesty with the idea that men are incapable of controlling their thoughts cheapens the beauty of a modest woman. It short changes the strength of Christ in a man who chooses to overcome his flesh. It causes unfair resentment from girls. Girls are simultaneously taught that they are to submit to men in a God-given role as their leaders, and that those same men are forever bound by an insatiable lust for the female figure. This diminishes not only women’s ability to respect men, but the way both genders comprehend the power of God and the freedom that can be found in following Jesus.
Teach your daughter to be modest.
Teach your son to control his thoughts.
Don’t teach them that they are dependent on -- or responsible to -- others for the ability to do either.
